Hitch n Go’s Second Annual JACKKNIFE AWARDS
“But I really am Man-genius. It worked last year – honest!” Jim McIsaac, Getty Images
By Randy Setterberg
Through The Gears
1/14/2008
The “Ponce de Leon” Award: Don’t look now, but the frozen tundra at Lambeau Field is actually defrosting these days, and there’s a simple explanation for it: no one is more on fire than Packers’ icon Brett Favre. And to think the pundits were actually writing his NFL obituary some three years ago. That’s right, the Brett Favre Farewell Tour, which began building momentum in 2005, is permanently riding the pine after his over achieving, incomprehensible record-setting 2007 season.
The 38-year-old signal caller is on pace to throw for more than 4,800 yards - a career high - and 32 TD’s, which would equal or surpass his numbers in all but three of his 17 NFL seasons. His current quarterback rating of 101.5 is also a career best - and his turnover ratio (10 INT’s) represents a level of maturity never exhibited over an entire season. But most important, at press time the Packers have won 10 of 12 games and are serious contenders for a Super Bowl appearance. And they owe it all to their future Hall-of-Fame quarterback, who somehow transplanted the fountain of youth from Florida to Cheesehead country for purposes of righting the Packer ship while simultaneously wronging the grim reaper retirement hacks.
The “Cinderella’s Glass Slipper” Award: I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be the smartest guy in the room, and since I never participated in a fraternity hazing, I’ll probably never find out. But all I have to do is ask Baltimore head coach Brian Billick, who not only plays the part, but actually believes it.
Billick’s claim to fame was as an offensive coordinator with the Vikings; an endeavor that peaked during the 1998 season, when Minnesota set the NFL record for most points scored in a season (556) and set a team record with 41 TD passes. He parlayed that productivity into his current head coaching gig, where in his second season the Ravens won a Super Bowl with a vagabond quarterback (Trent Dilfer) and a record-setting defense (165 points allowed). But that’s when things started to go south. Billick, in his infinite wisdom, decided to jettison Dilfer in favor of free agent Elvis Grbac, who in seven years had but one 16-game season under his belt. The results were predicably typical: a slide back in the standings, and a perpetual slippery slope of mediocrity culminating in two cameo playoff appearances over the next five years.
Since his championship season of 2000, Billick has recycled seven different players through his revolving-door quarterback position. Hardly the model of stability expected from one who openly accepts his appointment as the “offensive guru” of the NFL. Owner Steve Bisciotti’s tolerance is also wearing thin; short of another Super Bowl appearance, the clock is about to strike midnight on Billick’s reign in Baltimore.
The “Take No Prisoners” Award: It’s winter in the NFL, which means three things are certain to happen: The JumboTron at Arrowhead Stadium will short out, Heinz field will resemble a mud bowl, and the Cardinals fail to make the post season. But at least the franchise that has set the bar for the best losing percentage of all time (.409) is going to go down swinging. At least that’s the approach of first-year head coach Ken Whisenhunt, who vowed to his Arizona constituents that the Cardinals were going to play tough, smash-mouth football. Whisenhunt pledged that his team would run the ball at least 600 times this season, a number that is virtually impossible to achieve since Arizona usually is playing catchup, score-from-behind football. Moreover, Whisenhunt expected to accomplish this with a featured running back (Edgerrin James) who already has over 2,700 carries and more than 11,200 yards on his 29-year-old body. Sorry, Ken, but short of an imminent season-stretching schedule - extending games from 16 to 25 – your 37.5 rushing attempts per game is a pipe dream. And so, by the way, is your quest for a playoff spot.
The “Reinvent The Wheel” Award: You wouldn’t think of asking Da Vinci to bring artistic closure to the Mona Lisa. Nor would you consider hoisting Michelangelo up to within a finishing-brush stroke of the Sistine Chapel. But something tells me Kansas City head coach Herman Edwards would hire Picasso to paint his house. How else can you explain the complete fall from grace of the Chiefs’ once powerful offense?
Though his predecessor, Dick Vermeil, only generated one post season appearance in five seasons, his Kansas City’s offense exhibited near perfection under his reign, finishing either first or second in total yards and points scored in his last four seasons. In fact, from 2002 thru 2005, the Chiefs averaged almost 29 points per game - first in the league during that span. So when Edwards leveraged his way out of his contractual obligations with the Jets to land in Kansas City, he scrapped Vermeil’s high octane offense for one of subliminal cognizance. Somehow, in only 27 regular season games, Edward has the Chiefs averaging 11 points less per game and ranked in the bottom four in total yards, passing offense, and points scored. Yeah, sure, the talent level has diminished, but you don’t drop a two-stroke engine into a well-tuned Ferrari. Unless of course you’re Herm Edwards, who actually received a raise from GM Carl Peterson to bring his sub - .500 record from the Big Apple to the Midwest.
The “Optical Illusion” Award: Smoke and mirrors do wonders at carnivals, big tops, and birthday parties, but it won’t pass muster in the NFL. The New York Jets are a single season removed from one of the biggest turnarounds in franchise history, and Eric Mangini was deemed to be the key. The 36-year-old head coach, a former Bill Belichick protégée, had taken the Jets from the bowels of the AFC East to the post season in his inaugural campaign, and won AFC coach-of-the-year honors for that achievement. Then the calendar page flipped, and suddenly the Jets’ flight pattern is in a tailspin, reversing their teamwork and accomplishments from 2006 into an unrecognizable year of chaos and guffaws.
And it’s Mangini’s specialty - defense - that has failed him. In winning five of his last six games to close 2006, the defense allowed a mere 9.4 ppg in those victories. This season, the only impediment to total embarrassment was blaming his former coach on taping the Jets’ defensive signals from the sidelines. Like that would somehow reverse the Jets’ 2 - 9 fortunes. New York ranks 30th in the league in defense, 28th in points allowed, and first in stupidity for trying to make that “SpyGate” accusation stick. The jury is still out on his coaching abilities, but right now the one they call “Mangenius” could use a little self-imposed Mangenuity.
The “Damn the Torpedoes” Award: Speaking of “SpyGate,” it seems to have jump-started the motivation behind the New England Patriots assault on the rest of the NFL. Coach Bill Belichick - a.k.a. “The Hoodie” - won’t let anyone forget that he doesn’t need espionage to torch a secondary, or a video camera to red dog his opponent. Attacking with slayer precision that would make admiral David Glasgow Farragut proud, the Patriots are on the verge of shattering every offensive record ever established. They average 40 ppg and will soon surpass the all time record for most points scored in a season (556 - Minnesota, 1998). Their average margin of victory is an unprecedented 23 points per game, and Tom Brady is about to make Peyton Manning’s record-setting 2004 season look pedestrian. But most important, the Pats are looking to become only the second team ever to run the table and finish the season without a defeat.
The rest of the league is officially on notice. Fool the Pats once, shame on you. But agitate The Hoodie, and be prepared to suffer ominous consequences never witnessed before by the human species.
Randy Setterberg is a member of the Pro Football Writers of America and West Coast correspondent to the Gridiron Goose’s NFL Update. He may be reached at NFLupdate@hotmail.com.