Hitch n Go: not this millenium

“People aren’t used to this in Kansas City. Get over it! It happens. It’s called life. You can’t think you’re too big that it’s not going to happen to you. It happens to everybody." —Herman Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs’ head coach

By RANDY SETTERBERG
The Trucker News Services

11/11/2008

Bottom’s up — Five NFL franchises that just can’t seem to shake the losing bug — and those primarily responsible for it.

“Stay the course. It's a little bump … it's not like you have to panic. You don't have to make wholesale changes. You don't have to do all that stuff. It's all right there." — Matt Millen, former Detroit Lions’ President and CEO

As a football player, Matt Millen presented major problems for the opposition. His tenacious demeanor and bone-jarring hits were feared by anyone who dare enter his domain. Teammates described him as a heat-seeking missile, and heaven help you if you got between him and the ball carrier. Millen’s fearless approach to the game earned him four Super Bowl titles on three different teams over a 12-year career before finally retiring to the broadcast booth after the 1991 season. Highly revered by his colleagues, Millen’s work in broadcasting became legendary. His commentary on FOX Sports was widely regarded as second only to John Madden among color analysts.

The problems facing Millen today are new to him; specifically, they concern a lack of gainful employment. In 2001, Millen left the safety and comfort of the broadcast booth to become the CEO and de facto general manager of the Detroit Lions. The Lions had just come off a 9-7 season, and speculation was they were just a few quality player — and a dynamic management persona — from bringing a championship to the Motor City. Owner William Clay Ford Sr. chose Millen to lead them to the promised land, even though the former NFL linebacker had zero-zip-nada prior scouting, coaching, player development, or front office experience.

The results were predictably horrendous. Since Millen docked his derriere in the owner’s private La-Z-Boy, the Lions were 31-84 and counting. Only the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1983-1989) assembled a more inept seven-year run. But even their 26-85 record was sandwiched between an NFL championship game in 1979 and most recently a Super Bowl victory capping off the 2002 season. Conversely, Detroit has appeared in only 17 playoff games in their 78-year existence and hasn’t had a sniff of the post season since 1999. And Millen’s executive presence exacerbated that fact.

You want incompetence? Only five of Millen’s nine incontestable first-round picks are still with the team, and only one--wide receiver Roy Williams--has made the Pro Bowl. By contrast, 40 players totaling 75 Pro Bowl appearances were selected in the first round after Millen was done picking. A chimpanzee throwing darts at a draft board couldn’t do any worse. Given the results, fans in Detroit aren’t convinced that isn’t exactly what happened.

The second cleat finally dropped when the Lions were embarrassed for the third consecutive weekend to open the 2008 season. Bill Ford Jr., the Lions’ Vice Chairman and owner’s son, adamantly informed the Associated Press that if he had the authority, he would fire Matt Millen. Within 48 hours, his father supported his son’s pronouncement, handing Millen his walking papers. Before shedding a tear for our discharged director, understand that Millen was well compensated for his impotence: including the buyout of his contract that ran through 2010, Millen was the second-highest paid senior management team official in the NFL. Not bad for someone who still has a personal website built by rabid fans dedicated exclusively to his discharge (www.fireMillen.com).

For the remainder of the season, Martin Mayhew has had the “assistant” moniker removed from his general manager title and will take over those duties full time, and chief operating officer Tom Lewand will report directly to Mr. Ford as well. Both men have until January to convince William Clay Sr. that, like his automobile factory, the product’s foundation is rock solid, it’s simply a matter of marketing appeal. Sorry guys; no matter how charming, an Edsel is still an antiquated, underperforming machine. If ever the “guilt by association” cliché was befitting, these confederates have earned it. For the sake of the franchise, let’s hope it doesn’t take another eight years — and one son’s public declaration — to expose the balance of the front office brain trust as equally unqualified.

Bungle in the jungle

"Confidence comes from doing things right. If you don't do things the right way, you're going to crash and burn." —Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals’ head coach

Truer words have never been more prophetic. For nearly two decades, the Cincinnati Bengals have been the NFL’s version of Demolition Derby: when they didn’t initiate self-destruction, they enabled it. Problem is, this team’s motor has never been the last one still operating.

In 2003, Marvin Lewis took over a dysfunctional Bengal franchise that had just won 19 games over the last five years and hadn’t seen the playoffs since 1990. Now in his sixth season, Lewis is hovering around .500 for his coaching career, and the buzzards are circling. Cincinnati’s 2005 post-season cameo notwithstanding, Lewis has spent most of his waking hours putting fresh paint on a broken wagon.

Exhibit A: After having been arrested four times during a 14-month span, talented yet troubled wide receiver Chris Henry was sent packing. Lewis was unyielding in his decision; the team could no longer tolerate Henry’s irresponsible conduct. Furthermore, Lewis explained that having Henry in the locker room was sending the wrong message to younger, more impressionable players. But a rash of injuries to starting wide receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, and suddenly Henry becomes a model citizen. He was reunited with his teammates and a new contract less than three months after his release.

As long as Lewis continues to renege on so-called uncompromising team policies, the players have no reason to believe anything he says. Motivational speeches are out the window, and disciplinary threats for insubordination are met with an eye-roll. Lewis and Mike Brown have dug their own ditch, and since Brown owns the team, don’t expect rescue efforts to reach Lewis anytime soon.

Fail to the Chief

His approach to football is different than most. Herman Edwards believes if you get to know the man, you get to know the player. So while he is holding social hour for wayward stepchildren at the Chiefs’ complex, his competition is knocking heads with each other on the practice field. Guess which one gets more results?

Now entering his eighth season as a head coach, Edwards’ teams are notorious slow starters out of the gate. He is now 2-6 on opening day, and his teams have been outscored 203 to 135 in these games. During his five years at the helm of the New York Jets, Edwards’ teams never finished higher than 12th