A friend of mine is heading toward divorce. His wife told him she no longer wants to be married to him. Because of their small children, they are attempting to live under the same roof for now. Separate bedrooms. Separate lives. Communicating only as necessary.
He told me his feelings are up and down constantly. I could hear the brokenness in his voice when he related a story of watching his wife having a tending moment with their children. “Seeing her motherly love, my heart swelled and I realized, ‘I still care for her.’”
Last year, my neighbor told me her husband had moved out. Her teenage son had found incriminating text messages on her husband’s cell phone. When she confronted him, he admitted to meeting someone over the Internet and having a long-distance affair. She wanted to make amends, but he left her and their two children and a beautiful home all behind.
The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world with half of all marriages breaking up. One study indicates an average of 1 million divorces per year for the past 10 years. With married people supposedly happier and more fulfilled than unmarried, why are there so many divorces?
It could come down to one of many reasons.
Slowly growing apart. Incompatible personalities. Unresolved hurts. Mistreatment. Unfaithfulness.
Whatever the reason behind it, divorce tears apart two people who have shared meaningful and significant life experiences together, like having and raising children. Two people who have invested together financially in a home, vehicles and savings. Two people who have intertwined their daily activities of life together, like going out for dinner and sharing household responsibilities. And two people who have experienced each other more deeply and intimately than anyone else in their life.
Divorce may be battled out in courtrooms and “finalized” on paper, but it’s much more than that. It is a long and difficult journey for all involved.
Changing emotions
Emotions can roller coaster from feelings of numbness to despair to anger to relief that it’s finally over. People can feel like failures because they couldn’t make their marriage work. They may feel self loathing for not being good enough, not trying hard enough or making a terrible mistake. They may experience times of hatred toward their spouse for the hurt he/she caused. They may feel incredible grief that their marriage and family life as they’ve known it are ending.
Even if the marriage was not fulfilling for both and the decision to divorce was agreeable, there are still feelings of loss. There may still be great feelings of sadness or anger or disappointment.
Having strong emotions is normal. Understanding that these feelings may sweep in like ocean waves can help people get though them.
• Denial or unrealistic hope
• Blame and anger
• Grief over loss
• Depression and sadness
• Fear and despair
• Withdrawal or isolation
Support system
A divorcing couple does not know how their friends, family and coworkers will react. Telling others that their marriage is breaking up can be embarrassing and frightening. Will their friends take sides? Will their parents be angry, hurt? Will their working relationship with coworkers become uncomfortable? What will others think about them?
But everyone needs support to get through divorce—someone to talk to and lean on. Keeping the divorce to himself or herself will not help build the support needed.
Both sides need a few close friends and family members to be part of their support circle. These people can help them work through emotions and think through decisions. Support people may even help financially, or with child care and daily tasks left undone because of the separation.
Often, local churches and other community locations hold divorce care and recovery support groups. There are also online groups and networks. Groups offer invaluable understanding from others going through the same pain and knowledge on the divorce process.
There is also no shame in getting professional counseling. It is tough to work through the emotion distress and life changes occurring. A counselor can help light the path.
Personal care
Divorce takes so much emotional energy that many people don’t feel like taking good care of themselves. The situation seems too overwhelming to focus on anything else. To get through the difficult process, however, people should do things that help them feel positive and strong.
• Take care of health. By eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep and exercising to burn off stress, people can feel well physically despite the emotional roller coaster. This can help them better deal with the pressures and decisions of divorce.
• Think objectively. Instead of thinking of themselves as failures and the situation as a complete disaster, stepping back for a broader view can help people overcome hopeless thoughts and feelings.
• Forgive self and others. This may take a long time, but forgiving and loving themselves despite failure and rejection helps people heal and regain a positive self image . Letting go of the wrongs done by their partner also frees them to live life and move on.
Decision making
Divorce forces a lot of changes. There are many decisions to be made. Who will have primary custody of the children? Where will he live, she live? Who gets the car? How will retirement savings be handled? Who’s responsible for the credit card balance?
Decisions should not be made when emotions are hot. They should not be made quickly. Decisions should be thoroughly thought through and pondered.
It is often advisable for divorcing couples to seek advice and counsel in decision making. Advice can come from friends and family for small changes. Legal and professional advisers can help with the division of possessions, child care issues, and financial support.
In any case, small or great decisions should not be made as knee-jerk reactions, but with counsel and thoughtfulness.
Restructuring
Divorce changes family life, housing, finances, parenting roles, and relationships with family and friends. It also changes a person’s identity. He or she is no longer “married with kids,” but single. His or her identity is no longer tied to the former spouse.
Questions such as, “Who am I?” and “What am I going to do with my life now?” may arise.
As people recover from divorce, they have to restructure their life—social activities, parenting responsibilities, finances and spending, and relationships.
As time passes, they may be able to follow a new path that better suits them as an individual, such as a change in career or going back to school. They may take up a hobby they didn’t have time for before. They may enter a new relationship.
For most, this recover and restructuring takes several years. Truly “moving on” takes time and patience.
Special consideration for children
Divorce proceedings can turn ugly with children getting caught in the middle. Routines, living situations and time with parents can all get shuffled around. Children may overhear arguing and hurtful words, making them feel sad and scared.
Divorcing couples should try to keep children shielded from arguments and offer calm explanations with lots of reassurance. One parent should never try to pit their children against the other parent. Each parent should be careful of saying critical remarks about the other parent because the children love both.
Though difficult, the children’s well being should be put as top priority despite the couple’s frustration and anger at one another. Children should also be carefully observed to determine if they need professional help to handle their parent’s divorce.
Saving A marriage before it ends
Most couples hit rough spots in their relationship. It could result from an extremely stressful life situation or an unresolved issue. When it’s more than a bump in the road, and becomes a long-term problem, the marriage can suffer.
The partners may feel stressed, sad, angry and hopeless. They may feel like throwing in the towel and calling it quits. Yet, on the other hand, they desperately don’t want to throw it all away. It can be like being stuck being a rock and a hard place.
In this case, marriage counseling might be the answer. Professional counselors can help couples work through conflicts and hurts, learn to communicate, and navigate a crisis. With professional help, a marriage heading for failure has a chance of being saved.
On the other hand, a professional counselor can help determine if a marriage is truly over. When all means have been exhausted and no resolution is in sight. When it’s better for both husband and wife to go their separate ways.
I know my friend is in for a long road ahead as he and his wife begin the process of divorcing. I can only pray and offer a listening ear. As the months roll by, my hope is that he will emerge from this heartache, not beat down, but stronger than he was before.